Kindness Begins Within, Part Two

Last week was rough.

It was the kind of rough that had me wanting to give up. On everything. Because everything I tried to do, I failed at. It had me asking what I was doing wrong, why I couldn't manage to accomplish anything, even small tasks. And why I even tried.

By Friday, I was no longer able to hold back the tears. I no longer had the energy to try.

And then the all too familiar tracks started playing in my head.

Maybe this just isn't meant to be. Maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe I don't deserve this. Maybe this is too big a goal, too lofty a dream for someone like me.

Maybe I don't actually have a purpose. Maybe I am just meant to wander through this life with no career, and no way of spreading all this damn positivity, joy and good will I have bottled up inside of me, aching to get out.

Maybe I am a total waste of perfectly good oxygen that someone else, someone better, should be making use of.

In a conversation with two of my best friends, I actually said that last line out loud. One of them had stepped away and the shock on the face of the one that was left stopped me in my tracks. He doesn't register emotion very often, but my words had very obviously hurt him. He told me never to say that again. That I was not a waste of anything.

And then our other friend rejoined the conversation and the two of them proceeded to explain to me exactly why I was wrong.

Later that day, I was thinking about that conversation, and I realized how absolutely unkind I was being to myself. Here I had just written about how kindness begins within and how you have to be kind to yourself first and I was being worse than unkind. I was being flat out mean.

But it also made me realize that I left out a huge component of self kindness in my first post. It's a beautiful thing to give yourself grace and to put your needs first on an average day, when you're not in the middle of a crisis. But its the times when your resolve is weakened, when you have tried your best and still come up short that it becomes truly important. That's when it is the hardest. When the answer to your problems seems to only lie in your own shortcomings. But that's when you need your grace the most.

So I present to you a new list of ways to show yourself kindness. For those times when everything seems to go wrong and your efforts just don't feel like they're adding up.

1. Take a deep breath. 

In fact, take five. Take twelve. I know it sounds cliche, and I know you've heard it a thousand times, but there's a reason for that. IT WORKS. And here's why. It gives you something else to focus on. If you're thinking about your breath, you're not thinking about your crisis, and that gives your brain a much needed break. Also, when you take deep breaths, more oxygen gets into your system. When you're stressed, you take shallow breaths, which means you're getting less oxygen. And we all know our brains function best when they're properly oxygenated. So listen to the dead horse advice and BREATHE.

2. Use your affirmations.

I know. This one was on the other list. But that's because it's just such darn good advice. And when you're in crisis mode, its even more important. My favorite affirmation for when I am feeling defeated is "I am enough." Or any variation of it.

I am good enough.
I am smart enough.
I am pretty enough.
I am strong enough.

Whatever you find yourself questioning in your life, enter that before "enough." And repeat it until you believe it.

3. If you wouldn't say it to your best friend, you sure as shit shouldn't say it to yourself.

I would never have told my best friends they were a waste of oxygen. It would be cruel and mean and I can hardly think of anything they could do that would be deserving of such a statement. So why would I ever say something like that about myself?

Because it never occurs to us that we deserve the same kindness that we grant to others. So next time that kind of dialogue starts running through your head, stop and ask yourself, "would I say this to my best friend?" If the answer is no, STOP THINKING IT!

4. Take a break.

If you feel like you're spinning your wheels and nothing you are trying to do is working out for you, stop trying. No, don't give up. Just give yourself a break. Take a time out. Allow your mind and your body to rest, and then try again. Sometimes stepping away from the problem gives you the opportunity to look at it from a fresh perspective. And sometimes you simply need to recharge your batteries so you can effectively tackle your challenge. This is where grace comes in again. Allow yourself time to rest. It may not feel productive at the time, but it may be just what you need.

5. Practice some self-care. 

While you're at #4, pamper yourself. Spend a little of that time on activities that recharge or relax you. Only you know what works for you, but here are some of the things that work for me:

yoga
meditation
reading a book
taking a bath
using a fun face mask (maybe in the bath!)
getting a drink or coffee with a friend I know will make me laugh
watching an episode of my favorite show
writing in my journal
baking something delicious...and then sharing it with friends and family
taking a nap
taking a walk
creating something (I make beaded jewelry!)

6. Remind yourself that you can get through this.

You are strong enough to get through this. (See last post for details) Sometimes we can only take our challenges one step at a time. Sometimes those steps feel hard as hell. Sometimes they feel impossible. But they're not. You ARE strong enough to get through anything life throws at you. And when you've taken all the steps and you've conquered your Everest, the success of whatever you've been striving for will be well worth it. Nothing in life worth anything comes without a lot of hard work and pain.

And if you're in a phase of life that feels needlessly hard. If it simply seems like everything is working against you, rest assured that it is not. The other day my dad told me that in his life he has found the times that seem to be the most trying have been preparing him for the greatest changes. And those changes have brought with them some of the most amazing rewards of his life.

So try your best to go with the flow. Power through the pain and the trials and await the blessing on the other side. It's coming!

7. Don't forget to celebrate your victories. 

And when you've come out on the other side of your challenge. When you've conquered your demons and you've powered through all the discomfort of whatever you've been going through, don't forget to celebrate your victory. Even if it feels like a small victory. Pop open a bottle of bubbly or treat yourself to a nice dinner or buy yourself a new dress. Whatever your preferred reward may be, give yourself a pat on the back and revel in your own glory. You deserve it, my friend.

And don't ever forget it.